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November 1st, 2014

06:12 am - and now, November
Another month has snuck past without us getting much closer to being moved, alas.

There is a fine line between apathy and not-worrying that I don't always navigate well. One of the lines in a mediation tape I use says something on the order of "let go of the tendency we all have to wish things would be different, and allow things to be exactly as you find them." Which is good advice in terms of not worrying needlessly, but can also influence me to simply give up on things I find frustrating. There are many things in my life I wish were different but it is sometimes hard to tell which of them I have much influence over. That's the tricky part of chronic depression, it can make everything seem like something that needs to simply be accepted and dealt with rather than worked to make better/different/changed.

In other news I'm disinclined to NaNoWriMo this year, which probably means I should do it anyway - see above. I already know I can put that many words down on paper in a month; struggling with making them cohesive and novel-shaped is ongoing.

On the other other hand, look at me all checking in before months and months have passed again!

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October 30th, 2014

05:30 am - stuff, it changes
I use Amazon Fresh to bring me groceries on occasion, because I don't drive and they will lift the heavy things like 30lbs of cat litter and cases of cat food, gallons of various liquids and so forth. That way I don't have to wrestle them on the bus, where even my bags of lighter dry goods can occasion difficulties with the space they occupy. It's problematic, I know, but it is the best solution at the moment.

Their website used to have a way of searching for items without High Fructose Corn Syrup from within their offered products. That seems to have been removed as a search option though, as of the last time I placed an order. Irritating. I can only hope it is because the majority of products are now HFCS-free.

I hope, and I read labels.

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August 3rd, 2014

09:03 am - random thoughts & outliers
Doing GISHWHES again this year, and the big event meet-up is here in Seattle. I'm nervous but looking forward to participating.

I was thinking last night while ushering at the Uptown that we are social primates, watching the crowd behavior. IDGHP can miss the sign on the door that says "push here" - because that door's hinges are not on the 'expected' side, so everyone always tries pushing on the side with the hinges. Although I have to admit that I do it too, and I not only read the sign, but I read it over and over while standing there watching people use (or fail to use) the door. So when I say I don't get how people fail to heed the sign, I'm including myself in "people" at least.

I don't get how people do a lot of stuff. Most of it is probably a perspective thing like the door. IDGHP keep their hair out of their faces, or from falling out of the hair clips - but that's probably more a problem with the fineness of my hair than anything. IDGHP drink coffee that is so hot it burns; half of why I put cream in my coffee is to cool it to a temperature where I don't feel like I'm scalding my mouth. IDGHP eat as much siracha as they do, or those hot peppers that make you break into an instant sweat. Perhaps I simply have delicate mucous membranes. And IDGHP do things like eat hot peppers and review video games - a la Hot Pepper Gaming either.

Alright, enough boggling. Time to go put a bowl of fruit on a hat. IDGHP lived before glue guns.

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June 4th, 2014

07:52 pm - May I what?
I have no idea where May went. That's okay, I'm sure it's around here somewhere, will probably turn up again in a year or so.

Sadly that's about all I've got for public consumption. I'm even more self-contained than usual at the moment, in some ways. Although I am auditioning new therapists, as my current one is leaving town. I am sanguine, and on schedule.

All the rest of my thinky thoughts are better left free-range for the moment.

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April 29th, 2014

08:24 am - (easily amused, they call me)
The Horse In Motion as shown by instantaneous photography, with a study on animal mechanics founded on anatomy and the revelations of the camera, in which is demonstrated the theory of quadrupedal locomotion, that book with the famous Edward Muybridge photographs? The name of the author of the text is J.D.B. Stillman.

STILLMAN. You can't make this stuff up.

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April 26th, 2014

10:45 am - waiting for the drop
I'm trying to ditch a headache and waiting for various meds to kick in, and I might as well post while I'm doing it, eh? Share the little thoughts that chase around my head like leaves in the autumn wind flicker down side streets and then fetch up short. Gusty thoughts. Snippets of sundry. Random words and phrases, the occasional seed of a poem even, if I'm lucky. If there are leaves there must be trees, at least. Some deeper structure holding this all up? On the days breathing is too much work, all I can do is hope.

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April 22nd, 2014

08:13 am - because it's there
To borrow a phrase from BBC Sherlock: Not Dead. And yeah, still dreaming, if you want to go down that path. Still figuring out how to get from Point A to Point B and points beyond. Am half-way caught up on my taxes. Am way behind on my poetry-writing goals.

April tends to loom large in my depression, and I've been thinking about the underlying reasons (with the aid of my pshrink). I've had a couple of useful insights. Most of it has to do with values, and self-evaluation, and my personal sense of timing where for some reason spring is when I think "something's got to give" and don't always make the best choices as a result. Flinging one's winter garment on the fire is great until there's a cold snap...

At this point I'm doing okay. I know the month isn't over yet, but I haven't gotten myself into any major scrapes and I think the fog may be starting to lift a bit.

Oh, apparently there is a J. Ralph on twitter - a musician - which I am finding vaguely discomfiting. I'm happy being cithra online, but it is just a little weird since this is the first I've encountered a public someone else with a version of my name. I get to find out what it's like to be a Mike or a Sarah finally, a bit. Or maybe this is some alternate life and why I wake up on occasion with strange bruises. ::shrug::

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April 10th, 2014

10:00 am - Things it has taken me over 40 years to learn:

I must create my own Work.

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November 27th, 2013

06:36 pm - crowned glory
Funny how my mind works. Once upon a time I must have asked my mother about her gold fillings and crowns (doubtless when quite young because shiny pretty shiny) and she must have told me they were something just for adults. Because all afternoon I've had this odd recurring thought in my head: I'm really an adult now because now I have a gold tooth.

With luck when I'm done I can pay my way across the Styx.

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November 5th, 2013

03:23 pm - flapable
I've made a bit of a career in "real life" out of being fairly unflappable. Certainly in the old days, when I was working, I was usually the one at work who could be counted on. Also, there isn't much in the way of human behavior that surprises me, because I am both a sufferer of depression and a bit of a cynic. (And if you scratch me you will indeed find a frustrated romantic, for what that's worth.)

Conversely to that, and especially as I get older, I find that art and artistic endeavors affect me disproportionately. Books not so strongly, but visual media in particular can stir up emotions and effect reactions that are at times a bit debilitating. I'll be crabby for days while my subconscious processes a film. I find it difficult to watch broadcast television because I get whipsawed by the ads (which I hate - the boxed set has become my favorite method of tv series consumption and my salvation) and overly frustrated by the weekly wait between episodes. I cry at the cinema for no particular reason other than being drawn into the story.

Not sure where I'm going with this, other than the promised life-over-examined. Just my current thoughts, as I am avoiding Nanowrimo proper. (I don't have trouble with word count, I have trouble making the words all hang together and pretend to be a novel.)

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