Joy (cithra) wrote,

excitement; hope

I'm actually excited about the possibility of moving for the first time in a very long while. Last night faintheart and I looked at the complex that uly & cjot live in, and it would be well-nigh perfect. It's in the part of town I've wanted to live in since well before I moved to the Seattle area. It's even closer to the Greenlake park than I was guessing from the map! Gas appliances, washer/dryer in the unit, cats are fine (with deposit, but that's utterly reasonable), easy transit access, and the manager gave me a good vibe. Best of all, if we don't get this particular unit due to prior applicants, we are finding ourselves in a position to be able to wait for another unit in the complex to become available.

I'm feeling hope, and the only downside is letting myself trust and feel that feeling. I am afraid of hope, on some level, because I have had a lot of hopes disappointed over the course of my life. After a while, I started to actively fight feeling hopeful, because it was just too painful. My depression made it more difficult to recover from set-backs and frustrations as well, until I just stopped hoping for anything beyond a quick end - with the constant awareness of that being an unlikely hope itself.

I've been working on climbing out of this metaphorical hole for going on four years, but I feel like I'm finally getting somewhere near the rim, perhaps. So I'm going to welcome and acknowledge this hope and then let it go to just be (DBT skills, yay) rather than clinging to it in dread of disappointment. But it's nice to practice these skills with hope rather than just fear, I will say.
Tags: dbt, housing, mental health, thoughts

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