Joy (cithra) wrote,

and another piece of melancholy

I didn't realize that I still thought of myself as part of the "Bellingham (skiffy) group" until I started seeing posts-and-such from people I didn't know well identifying as such. Which was fine, and expected. It's a college town, there's turnover, and I'm introverted and retiring at the best of times - which the last few years of my life most definitely Have Not Been.

I didn't realize I still attached it to part of my core identity, though, until I recently realized neither I nor the current group would necessarily be able to pick each other out of a crowd, or even recognize each other's names. That yes, I lived there for ten years, but that was fifteen years ago.

The melancholy mostly comes from that being one more part of my life that has faded away without being replaced by much. I made one or two stabs at trying to connect with Seattle fandom, without success, then stopped. Then things started going bad in other parts of my life, and I got even more reclusive. Then I started actively working on pushing people away as part of my long-game suicide plan... it's no wonder I've whittled my support network down to a very few people. Of course as a side effect of that, groups I identified with in the past aren't going to have the foggiest who the hell I am.

Nine lives have I had, like the cat;
Kittens they have scampered, running wild.
Scientist, director, mother-wife,
Voice musician, teacher, diplomat,
Librarian and scrivener, participant observer,
Nine and more, and still am nowhere fast.
Tags: community, introversion, poem

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