Joy (cithra) wrote,

more about fear

My impulse is to write about this, because that's how I have long dealt with upset, emotional and otherwise. I have to hope it isn't too bothersome, or it at least remotely interesting, because writing in my paper journal isn't working. I have some need to reach out, and this is the way I have to do it, it seems.

My chest actually hurts, for starters. I am fairly certain that it is fear-related, because it waxes and wanes as faintheart is in or out of the same room as I. I am having trouble sitting still, enough so that it is agitating the cat. My thoughts are running in little circles, and no matter how much I try to focus on my breathing that just makes me think if the hurt in my chest - and around we go again.

This is new to me, in that while I've been afraid in the past it hasn't been as present for me. I recently requested some shamanic work that has been successful in helping me be more present to myself (sorry for the psycho-babble) but a problem with feeling one's emotions is being afraid sucks. I've dissociated from fear for most of my life because it hurts, it's uncomfortable, and it's (duh) scary.

Writing about it does help, a little. Maybe it is a distraction, maybe focusing on it with the analytical side of my brain helps redirect the panic. It feels corrosive - I can definitely understand how long-term anxiety can damage your bodily systems with elevated cortisol levels and so forth. I really don't like it, and there isn't anyone to tell me that it will all be ok with unfailing maternal omnipotence.

Of course it's not going to be ok, not in that omnipotent parental-banishment sense, but I still want someone to say it. It's the reassurance that someone cares, that you're not the only one trying to make it in a sea of not-okayness that I feel is important. Maybe that sense that your parent will make it all okay somehow carries over into an adulthood assumption that all can be made right with the world. Not having had it, I can't say, but that is my intuition.

Anyway, it's ten o'clock so they should be showing up soon.

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