July 6th, 2010
|06:35 am - fear|
They are coming to look at the mold in the apartment this morning. I am having trouble dealing with this rationally because I am afraid of mold.
It doesn't make sense, so I suspect I stray into phobia here. Whatever. The problem is I'm aware of not being rational while at the same time being unable to think/behave sensibly. I don't know what is salvageable; I can't imagine salvageability and mold in the same thought, even though I know that isn't the case. So I get frozen into immobility and dithering.
I'm sure there are people who handle this sort of thing - cleaners, I mean. Maybe the apartment management will have someone to recommend. Obviously it happens, and I am desperately trying to battle my own self-censure as well. Filthy, horrible, evil. I am not a good housekeeper, and this is my punishment. Guilt.
What's the worst that can happen? They kick us out - and we were planning on moving anyway. I'm allergic; living here is making me ill. So why can't I do anything useful regarding moving? Fear. I don't even know who to ask for help.
And such a thing to be afraid of - that doesn't help either. But I feel like I'm tipping over into madness every time I try to think about it.
I don't think I'm afraid of mold, but I have a strong "unclean! unclean!" feeling about things that have gotten moldy. This isn't entirely irrational, due to the way mold propagates.
I am afraid of submitting fiction. And that's the stupidest phobia of all because the absolute worst thing that will happen is they won't publish my fiction. Which is what happens if I don't submit anything, too.
|Date:||July 6th, 2010 03:35 pm (UTC)|| |
This is the first time in my life I can remember being sick to my stomach from fear. I really can't think nearly as clearly as it sounds, which is strange to write but there you go.
I just want to say that I understand. I've never been able to make my fears respond to rational thought.
I'm also allergic to mold and I have a similar reaction to it. My tendency is to freak out and scream for my husband to come and deal with it. Then I tie a bandanna around my face and potter about the house fiddling with bleach sprays and looking like I'm about to rob a bank.
The house in Magnolia had deep rooted problems that I think is different from your apartment. There was so much condensation on the windows each night that we had to put plastic containers to keep it from dripping on the electric baseboard heaters, and then I would empty it out in the middle of the night so it wouldn't over flow..
The landlords are excellent people to complain to, especially since the cause isn't your fault. I'm glad you called them.
I experience sadness physically, in my throat area near my clavicle or my hands, when I thought or felt the sadness. It goes away when the sadness is done. I can physically remember where that hurt and where on my arms I felt it. But I can't remember the exact spot that hurted when I was in labor. Isn't that weird? I can remember almost every physical injury, but not the exact feeling of the labor, and I don't think it has much to do with the drugs, because I didn't have drugs for much of it. I heard about the forgetting, but never believed it until now. Survival mechanism. If women could accurately remember it, we would never have more than one.
I had like 24/7 low level anxiety from late Sept to November because of work and I think it manifested in my car, as I was so tired from working such long hours that I ran into the sides of the parking garage. I felt that in my chest and the pit of my tummy pretty much 24/7. It did wonders to supress my appetite. It went away as work stabilized a bit.
There was a girl on the sidewalk today, just about an hour ago experiencing a bad panic attack. She was hyperventilating so inhumanly fast and loud that it took a second to comprehend what was happening when we walked by. She was obviously completely out of control. Her friends were helping her with a paper bag. The ambulance came pretty fast, before we got to the end of the block. I wonder how they could help? Could they just sedate her? Can you sedate a person who can't consent?