Joy (cithra) wrote,


They are coming to look at the mold in the apartment this morning. I am having trouble dealing with this rationally because I am afraid of mold.

It doesn't make sense, so I suspect I stray into phobia here. Whatever. The problem is I'm aware of not being rational while at the same time being unable to think/behave sensibly. I don't know what is salvageable; I can't imagine salvageability and mold in the same thought, even though I know that isn't the case. So I get frozen into immobility and dithering.

I'm sure there are people who handle this sort of thing - cleaners, I mean. Maybe the apartment management will have someone to recommend. Obviously it happens, and I am desperately trying to battle my own self-censure as well. Filthy, horrible, evil. I am not a good housekeeper, and this is my punishment. Guilt.

What's the worst that can happen? They kick us out - and we were planning on moving anyway. I'm allergic; living here is making me ill. So why can't I do anything useful regarding moving? Fear. I don't even know who to ask for help.

And such a thing to be afraid of - that doesn't help either. But I feel like I'm tipping over into madness every time I try to think about it.

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