July 13th, 2009
|05:45 am - epiphany by request|
I can't give anyone their own epiphany, but I can try and share mine.
Briefly. I may say more later, but I'm still sort of in the middle of things at the moment.
So: I suffer from depression of a long-term and treatment-resistant variety. I collect DSM classifications like trading cards. It's a subtle and cyclic disease, and while on one hand I have learned a number of signs to keep watch for that I am suffering from (or going into) an episode, even at 42 and after numerous years of therapy I still don't always catch it until I'm well into one or something catastrophic happens.
I was chatting with Cam about a series of events recently that mirrored/triggered issues from my childhood, and how that had led into a depressive episode that I hadn't realized I was in - in part because I had grief from childhood resonating and almost overwhelming the grief I was feeling from current events. What I realized was that while as a child I had no help or protection with my hurts and grief, going through this another time as an adult gives me the chance to sort of re-parent myself. Now I can go through this sort of loss and grief with tools to deal with it, with the knowledge that I am a worthwhile person who is worthy of giving and receiving love, (and I am NOT a broken thing who needs to die to take her fat ugly self out of the world she doesn't belong in).
I guess the "cut to the chase" version would be that if I feel like I'm going thru the same shit over and over, it might be because I actually HAVE learned something, rather than repeating the same dumb mistakes because I haven't. Or at least maybe it's a chance to do something rather than a result of something dumb I've already done.
Current Location: home
Current Music: the sound of silence
Even if technology extends my life for several hundred years, I expect I'll still be learning what makes me who I am, and how best to repair or compensate for my weaker points.
I've been pretty lucky that my depressions's been under control lately. Now if I can just deal with some of the anxieties and phobias that have reared up... I know they're illogical, but they're still there :P
One of my more powerful recent epiphanies ... well, a couple of years ago now, but I'm still learning from it ... dovetails nicely with this one.
When I'm going through the same shit over and over, I've realized it's usually not because I've gone and buried myself in metaphorical feces, however much it may seem that way. Instead, it means the rest of my life is going well enough -- no more struggles for survival & other basic needs -- that I can afford to notice the shit I've never really stepped out of. I don't need to be depressed at my recidivism, because I've actually advanced to the point where I'm healthy enough to do something about it.
(The hour is late and my syntax is terrible, but I think I've mostly articulated it there. Arrrrrr.)
|Date:||July 14th, 2009 10:32 am (UTC)|| |
And I'm actually koppermoon
's roommate, I approve this message. It makes a lot of sense, and has provided me with food for thought.