Joy (cithra) wrote,

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epiphany by request

I can't give anyone their own epiphany, but I can try and share mine.

Briefly. I may say more later, but I'm still sort of in the middle of things at the moment.

So: I suffer from depression of a long-term and treatment-resistant variety. I collect DSM classifications like trading cards. It's a subtle and cyclic disease, and while on one hand I have learned a number of signs to keep watch for that I am suffering from (or going into) an episode, even at 42 and after numerous years of therapy I still don't always catch it until I'm well into one or something catastrophic happens.

I was chatting with Cam about a series of events recently that mirrored/triggered issues from my childhood, and how that had led into a depressive episode that I hadn't realized I was in - in part because I had grief from childhood resonating and almost overwhelming the grief I was feeling from current events. What I realized was that while as a child I had no help or protection with my hurts and grief, going through this another time as an adult gives me the chance to sort of re-parent myself. Now I can go through this sort of loss and grief with tools to deal with it, with the knowledge that I am a worthwhile person who is worthy of giving and receiving love, (and I am NOT a broken thing who needs to die to take her fat ugly self out of the world she doesn't belong in).

I guess the "cut to the chase" version would be that if I feel like I'm going thru the same shit over and over, it might be because I actually HAVE learned something, rather than repeating the same dumb mistakes because I haven't. Or at least maybe it's a chance to do something rather than a result of something dumb I've already done.

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