Joy (cithra) wrote,

this is ridiculous

Ok, cold feet about going to the Mercury is one thing, but cold feet about going to Aurafice for coffee? Give me a break. Yet there it is...

Some of it is a control thing. With words, I feel much more deft. I have no fear as to presenting myself via text. I am still less that totally confident that my physical presence comes across at all positively. I am often irascible, and I am wretched at small talk, so I never know what to say. I am haunted by having been around entirely too long and yet not long enough.

Some of it is an alienation thing. Some of it is a worthiness/validation thing. Some of it goes way back, when I was certain that people forgot who I was when I went home from school for the day. "How not to be seen" can have unintended consequences.

Good grief, woman. Your money is as green as anyone else's, and your presence there is as valid. Go have a bloody cup of coffee, you'll feel better. Then you can sit and scribble in your notebook until Josie and Justin show up if no one else will talk to you. But as the voice of reason, I doubt that will be the case.

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