May 28th, 2011


worth and worthiness

I got a phone call from my primary care doctor earlier this week; she'd been informed of the IOP debacle from the provider's end and wanted to check in with me. First time in a long while I've had that happen, if ever. So at least she seems to be paying attention to what I say.

Actually there was a whole flurry of phone calls that day, as everyone I'd made my calls to got back to me. The upshot is I have a plan, with the stamp of approval of my PCP. I go to see her about liver enzyme abnormalities next Wednesday. Later that day I see my DBT therapist for the first time since I moved to California to attend long-term rehab. It's been several years, so it will be part catching-up and part intake/testing, and all of an hour and a half.

It will also be $240 before insurance. I am uncertain what it will be afterward, as the nature of the coverage is such that I have to submit paperwork for reimbursement rather than making a copay. There will be a $20 copay to see my PCP as well. That's why the appointments are set up for the first of next month; I get my monthly check then. At the moment I have about $7 in my checking account, which if I'm frugal will keep me in coffee for the next week. Not the good stuff, but drinkable, and made at home.

I have the good insurance, too, it's worth saying. I find the national healthcare debate about making sure everyone has insurance rather disingenuous, because even with insurance I have to really budget my medical spending carefully. Insurance certainly doesn't make medical care free, or even inexpensive. It merely makes it so you don't get turned away from the clinic, and opens up the possibility of preventative care.

Every time I start to do the math, I think I should cancel the DBT appointment, mostly because it will probably lead to weekly sessions at $160 each, which extra $640 a month I simply do not have. That's more than my rent. If I go back and request yet another forbearance on my student loans, and they grant it, that frees up enough money for one session. I really just have to hope the money will show up from somewhere, or my DBT therapist will be okay with monthly rather than weekly sessions, or... something.

The worst part of it is how constantly being short of money, and being in debt, and doing the math eats away at my already-shaky self-esteem. I am grateful for the library, and my long-suffering brother, and my generous friends.

Anyway. That's what's on my mind of late, a little too much for comfort.