May 14th, 2011

pencil

Why I (try to) share.

I always feel guilty posting about my depression/alcoholism/hip/knees/health-issue-of-the week. This is odd, since there are plenty of things in my life that I feel abnormally un-guilty about, based on statistical experience. The main things that come to mind are not wanting to be boring, and from wanting to be seen as a healthy, worthwhile individual rather than increasingly damaged goods.

So why go ahead and do it, either in terms so deliberately vague as to be laughable, or under rare circumstances of courage flat-out calling it what it is? Because it does help me feel better. Lancing a boil, if you like. Just having said something seems to make a small difference.

Also because I'm fishing for support. Or asking for it now, I guess.

This is amazingly difficult for me. Practice has not made it easier. I am so tired of this. When, exactly, does it get better?

The longer it takes, the more damaged and unraveled I feel.

The great thing about rehab or being in hospital is they take care of you. But once I'm back in the real world, the pseudo-mom is gone.

I seem to be living my life backwards.

Everyone has their own lives and issues, I know. So thanks for listening.