July 7th, 2010

pencil

a good morning

This morning I find myself and my mood much improved. Both the mitigation and people's supportive responses helped immensely. It's good to know I'm not alone - it's a cliche, but I'm a social primate, and lack of connection is documented to result in failure to thrive. I think - I am beginning to understand - it's true for adults as much as children, it just manifests differently.

I'm good at dissociation, or I have been. I think I'm starting to finally be able to reverse some of that. It's difficult - being present to strong emotions, even positive ones, can be uncomfortable. But I also feel interested in living for the first time in an extremely long time, if truly ever. My answer to the question "what do I want" is now "to be treated like a person" rather than "to be left alone" for the first time ever. Ever.

It's kind of funny to me that I don't find the idea of sharing this information with people more frightening. It makes me nervous, but nothing, nothing like what I was feeling yesterday.

Anyway, part of reversing dissociation for me needs to be reconnecting with people. I had a plan, a long game; a big part of it was pushing people away. A problem with 'easy come, easy go' is just that. Plus as an introvert it is hard for me to see why people would be interested in the minutia of my life, as it's pretty minute most days. But I can't connect to people without talking to them, virtually or no. I hope the flow won't get too inane here, as I ramble on about my life, but that's a risk I'm going to take. So is the risk of being, or trying to be, as open as I can about what I'm feeling. If I am lucky, it may be pretty banal. I'd like to have lots of 'good days with cat & coffee' versus thrilling emotional crises, but I'm going to be honest about both states, as much as I can.

To end on a digression, IMuHO one of the cool things about social media is the banality of the conversation. I'm not the only one watching TV with my cat, or making a sandwich, or waiting for a late mode of transportation. I find some of it more or less interesting or irritating, but that's what comes of interacting with people, in the grand sense.