July 6th, 2010

pencil

fear

They are coming to look at the mold in the apartment this morning. I am having trouble dealing with this rationally because I am afraid of mold.

It doesn't make sense, so I suspect I stray into phobia here. Whatever. The problem is I'm aware of not being rational while at the same time being unable to think/behave sensibly. I don't know what is salvageable; I can't imagine salvageability and mold in the same thought, even though I know that isn't the case. So I get frozen into immobility and dithering.

I'm sure there are people who handle this sort of thing - cleaners, I mean. Maybe the apartment management will have someone to recommend. Obviously it happens, and I am desperately trying to battle my own self-censure as well. Filthy, horrible, evil. I am not a good housekeeper, and this is my punishment. Guilt.

What's the worst that can happen? They kick us out - and we were planning on moving anyway. I'm allergic; living here is making me ill. So why can't I do anything useful regarding moving? Fear. I don't even know who to ask for help.

And such a thing to be afraid of - that doesn't help either. But I feel like I'm tipping over into madness every time I try to think about it.
pencil

more about fear

My impulse is to write about this, because that's how I have long dealt with upset, emotional and otherwise. I have to hope it isn't too bothersome, or it at least remotely interesting, because writing in my paper journal isn't working. I have some need to reach out, and this is the way I have to do it, it seems.
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pencil

(no subject)

Okay, so they aren't coming until 1pm. More narrative for you, I'm sure you are thrilled.
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I tell you the sun helps, even with the panic. As the morning has progressed and more and more light is coming in thu the windows, I feel exponentially better. Anyone need renters in the sun?
pencil

some resolution

They came, they sprayed, we aired out the apartment. They painted one part of the sill in my room, and I have recommendations for anti-mold/mildew unguents to obtain and apply. I am much happier.

Clearly some part of me was expecting yelling, recriminations, and explosive anger. It may not be my place to say it, but parents, please avoid yelling at your children. Doubly so if they are sensitive to emotions. 40 years later, the child is still cringing in my head.

Time to go sit in the park.