May 4th, 2010

pencil

(no subject)

When playing video games is too much effort, I'm headed into serious depression, if not already there.

The problem I have with mental illness is I spend a lot of time second guessing myself; as someone naturally self-reflective I think this has the tendency to set up a feedback loop. Aren't there shadow-demons you can call forth if you set two mirrors facing, in some particular schema? I'm thinking that's how doppelgangers get started, but I can't run down the reference, beyond a B-rate movie I once saw.

I'm really, really tired of this - "this" being a mental state that makes every waking moment feel like sandpaper on raw skin. Sleep becomes unattainable nirvana, drinking a pale second-rate oblivion with definite negative consequences that somehow aren't quite deterrent enough.

People, regular 'normal' people must get something back out of daily existence, out of simple persistence, that I somehow don't. Life clings to living so fiercely! Somehow even mine, like it or no.

Worst, there are plenty of people around me struggling that my disinterest in living seems criminal, and cruel. If I could trade with them! I'll take the hit for the team, and someone who enjoys this existence can continue on with it. Like giving my carrots to someone who likes them; like trading doing data-entry (which I enjoy and find meditative) for making follow-up phone-calls (which I hate) the way I used to do in the office. I'd really rather not; like Bartleby I prefer not to, but am less proficient at my not-preferring.
pencil

(no subject)

Some follow-up on my depression saga: I had a very productive day and was able to get signed up for a clinical research trial I think may be effective. If the initial protocol doesn't help there are a couple more in the wings I qualify for, too. It's a compromise, since medication really isn't my preferred solution, but it's a start. Another start.