May 22nd, 2002

pencil

my whereabouts ce soir

I'm to be at Aurafice this evening to pick up an item from an auction. I'm slowly beginning to rebuild my wardrobe - maybe I'll get my gothcard back yet. I've had about enough of having to sort my laundry, I tell you...

Anyway, I probably won't show up directly after work, since five hours in a coffee shop is a stretch even for someone with my advanced loitering skills. I imagine I'll have to wander in with the regular crowd around 8 p.m.

I'll be there doing my part to uphold the banner of chilly-demeanored Seattleites everywhere. I'm helped in this by that I tend to look somewhat dour of visage even when smiling - I have to be actually grinning, it seems, before my expression registers as positive to other people. For example - that expression in my profile picture there? That's a smile. No, really.

[Figured I ought to give notice since while I've been at Aurafice on Wednesday evenings before, this is the first time I've technically officially attended Goth Coffee there.]
pencil

this is ridiculous

Ok, cold feet about going to the Mercury is one thing, but cold feet about going to Aurafice for coffee? Give me a break. Yet there it is...

Some of it is a control thing. With words, I feel much more deft. I have no fear as to presenting myself via text. I am still less that totally confident that my physical presence comes across at all positively. I am often irascible, and I am wretched at small talk, so I never know what to say. I am haunted by having been around entirely too long and yet not long enough.

Some of it is an alienation thing. Some of it is a worthiness/validation thing. Some of it goes way back, when I was certain that people forgot who I was when I went home from school for the day. "How not to be seen" can have unintended consequences.

Good grief, woman. Your money is as green as anyone else's, and your presence there is as valid. Go have a bloody cup of coffee, you'll feel better. Then you can sit and scribble in your notebook until Josie and Justin show up if no one else will talk to you. But as the voice of reason, I doubt that will be the case.
pencil

arrgh

this is also about the time I kick the computer out the window. grrrr "Can not contact server - try again later" my ass! So then I've got 14 copies of the same post up. Really, not even I am that fond of my prose.