April 21st, 2002

pencil

blah blah overanalysis blah

It's getting to the point where it seems like I interact better with even my 'real life' friends remotely. Yesterday was one of those days when every effort to communicate was awkward, misunderstood and painful. I don't know if it was acoustics or inattention, but at breakfast every sentence I uttered seemed to fail to make it to the ears of my companions intact. By the end of the meal I was furious, so I left. To my own detriment (almost certainly) I conducted my afternoon's business alone, and turned off my phone to avoid connecting with people for the evenings engagement.

This sense of frustration and inappropriate anger seems to accompany most of my interactions with people of late, with a few notable exceptions. Strangers - probably because I try not to have complicated expectations about how strangers and I will interact. Maybe that's the key here - in sort of a parallel to 'suffering is caused by desire' I could resolve not to have expectations even of friends, since frustration seems to be caused by unmet expectations. But it also seems that part of what makes the label 'friend' apply to someone is a certain set of expectations regarding their behavior.

Oh well, this too shall pass.
  • Current Mood
    annoyed annoyed
pencil

off to Fresno

Though I am no longer looking forward to the trip, alas. I can't see any way out of it, unfortunately.

Truly, at the moment I don't want to do anything. Again, unfortunately, I can't see any way out of it.

Well, I've got lots of practice putting one foot in front of the other. I wonder if I'll ever get clear of this? Probably not - they call it chronic for a reason. It will make a delightful footnote to my biography: "...struggled with depression all her life." It never fails to amaze me what blindingly torturous spans of existence can be summed up so blithely like that.
  • Current Mood
    numb numb