Joy (cithra) wrote,

  • Mood:

objects in the mirror are closer than they seem

I'm at that stage where, when away from the computer, I can think of lots I want to write about. Sitting down in front of the machine, though, drives all thoughts save Diablo II from my mind.

There is a lot going on in my life, but much of it is interior to a degree it is hard to get the words out onto "paper", especially in a public forum. Though I'm not doing much off-line journal writing either. Whoever said "Don't think - do" would be happy with me, unless they really meant 'act' instead of 'do' and were only counting exterior doings.

I can give some real news in terms of my job. Tim-the-career-counselor ran into one of the people on the interview panel and spent about 45 minutes chatting. They asked him if he had coached me, since I was the best prepared of the interviewees. He said he'd given me some pointers, but that's about it - and that is the truth, I did the research I did all on my own.

So the good news is I gave the best interview, but the bad news is that budget-wise, everything is on hold until September.

NOW do people realize why I think the universe is a fucked-up place in which nothing I do has any effect? I'm half joking, but really - for once I manage to interview really well, hit the mark, and would get the job... and thanks to the budgetary sink-hole of the almost certainly endless War on Terrorism, STILL nothing changes. Tell me how this doesn't look like the only things I can get are things I don't really want one way or the other - anything I really and truly allow myself to desire just doesn't come through.

I will allow that the reason I did as well as I did in the interview was it was a position I was excited about, doing something I felt would be meaningful with a group of people with whom I would enjoy working. But in the end, so what. I still don't get the job.

Amazingly enough, I'm not actually depressed by this. I'm still happy that I aced the interview, and (somehow) hopeful that something will come through budget-wise, so they are able to hire me after all. So in that sense, I've made a good deal of progress - not to long ago this would have thrown me into some serious depressive shit. I suppose I could just be numb, but it doesn't feel like that's the case... I guess I'll see as time passes.

It's a classic case of number two-ism, though - I really think my life is being used as a case study for "almost but not quite". From 'two points!' to 'you have such a pretty face' to 'there's no spark' to 'there's no budget' it really seems like I could be the poster child for "Yes - but..."

We're number two! We're number two! We're number two! Yeah, whatever.

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