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January 13th, 2011


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01:22 pm - So.
The depression has had me by the throat, of late. In the endgame sense; in the "Look, a light at the end of the tunnel! No, a train. ::smash:: Look, I'm flying! No, that's falling, and into the water. ::splash:: Look, an air pocket, a hint of surfacing! No, it's full of smoke from the burning, enjoy coughing while you drown..." sense. Twenty-five years of chronic depression, suicidal ideation, and mostly minor success in treatment is wearing me down. Has worn me down.

Most of my life I've known more about what I didn't want than what I did. Maybe that's why I ended up with it anyway, just under different labels. I'm not the stay-at-home wife of an idiot patriarch cleaning up after him and a passel of screaming kids; I'm a disabled retiree with a roommate who doesn't do housework and cats whose litter box effluvia and hairball vomitus are my responsibility. If I don't clean it, it doesn't get cleaned (I knew this coming in, yes). I continue to be correct, however, about it being a situation in which I do not thrive. I shut down. That's what a mental illness is... even when I can see it, write and talk about it, I still find myself unable to do anything about it.

I've signed up for a pottery class. This will be interesting, as it is something I've always wanted to do but haven't due to a certain OCD fastidiousness that keeps me from doing a lot of things like art or cooking that are inherently messy. I dislike clean-up so much I will avoid doing things that require me to clean afterward. It's the same OCD that keeps me motionless regarding housework: it will only have to be done again, I can't do it all nor can I do it all to the standard of perfection in my head, so I am immobilized. But this class is at a studio so presumably there will be provisions for cleaning up and instructions on how to do so properly, though it is listed as BYOB and I have no idea what that means in terms of pottery-ness. (I will call to find out beforehand, rest assured.)

Maybe this will turn out to be my passion. I always hope I will find it, even now.

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