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November 7th, 2009
07:54 pm
How do you know you are an adult? When all the things you recall fondly from childhood have become well and truly destroyed, disappeared, or altered beyond recognition. That taste, ashes. Those tears, your fare to Charon that keeps the Styx flowing - did you really think the poor would be denied their passage beyond for something so petty? Not so - greed belongs to us, the mortal sons of dirt. Even the cruelest of the great ones has more compassion that that.
When the trumpet's note rings sour; when the path to your favorite grove is overgrown, or worse, heavy with ox-rut; when the strangers you ask know neither the names of your former haunts nor those of your bosom companions, then you must accept your youth is dead.
Current Music: Latex Messiah (Viva la Rebel In You) - Toyah
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September 11th, 2009
06:56 am
If only I could remember this:
FREE WILL ASTROLOGY
Week beginning September 10
Copyright 2009 by Rob Brezsny
http://FreeWillAstrology.com
Grammar key: Asterisks equal *italics*
LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): My first demand is that you weed out the
wishy-washy wishes and lukewarm longings that keep you distracted from
your burning desires. My second demand is that you refuse to think that
anyone else knows better than you what dreams will keep your life energy
humming with maximum efficiency and beauty. Now please repeat the
following assertions about 20 times: "I know exactly what I want. I know
exactly what I don't want. I know exactly what I kind of want but I won't
waste my time on it any more because it sidetracks me from working on
what I really really want."
Current Music: the sound of silence
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August 16th, 2009
11:28 am - off to California!
Pretty much packed and ready to go when ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) sharkins gets here. So far I manage to be remarkably zen, and things seem to fall into place. Works for me.
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July 19th, 2009
08:05 am - Twitpic project #otgt
There is a scene at the beginning of the movie Blade Runner, which while not my favorite is right up there:Holden: Describe in single words only the good things that come into your mind about... your mother.
Leon: My mother?
Holden: Yeah.
Leon: Let me tell you about my mother.
[Leon shoots Holden with a gun he had pulled out under the table]
Leon: Nothing is worse than having an itch you can never scratch!
I've been wondering about Twitter and Twitpic as artistic media (mediums? whatever). As a poet I see potential in the short form of being limited to 140 characters, as a really amateur cell-phone photographer I'm interested in exploring "visual poetry" as well, if you'll allow me the flight of fancy.
I've got plenty of anger (like Leon) although that's not what I plan for this to be "about". I'm struggling with depression and alcoholism/addiction, although that's not what I plan for this to be "about" either. The hash tag is short for Only The Good Things - but I doubt I will limit myself to that purely either. Single words, yeah, I'm aiming in that general direction, but... well, you can guess where this is going.
I'm going to share this ...thing because that is what humans do with art, be it story, music, painting, body decoration, or whatever - that impulse to share it is pretty integral, I believe, as well as being pretty frightening. Like it or not, I'm human, so I better start practicing.
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July 13th, 2009
05:45 am - epiphany by request
I can't give anyone their own epiphany, but I can try and share mine.
Briefly. I may say more later, but I'm still sort of in the middle of things at the moment.
So: I suffer from depression of a long-term and treatment-resistant variety. I collect DSM classifications like trading cards. It's a subtle and cyclic disease, and while on one hand I have learned a number of signs to keep watch for that I am suffering from (or going into) an episode, even at 42 and after numerous years of therapy I still don't always catch it until I'm well into one or something catastrophic happens.
I was chatting with Cam about a series of events recently that mirrored/triggered issues from my childhood, and how that had led into a depressive episode that I hadn't realized I was in - in part because I had grief from childhood resonating and almost overwhelming the grief I was feeling from current events. What I realized was that while as a child I had no help or protection with my hurts and grief, going through this another time as an adult gives me the chance to sort of re-parent myself. Now I can go through this sort of loss and grief with tools to deal with it, with the knowledge that I am a worthwhile person who is worthy of giving and receiving love, (and I am NOT a broken thing who needs to die to take her fat ugly self out of the world she doesn't belong in).
I guess the "cut to the chase" version would be that if I feel like I'm going thru the same shit over and over, it might be because I actually HAVE learned something, rather than repeating the same dumb mistakes because I haven't. Or at least maybe it's a chance to do something rather than a result of something dumb I've already done.
Current Location: home
Current Music: the sound of silence
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July 8th, 2009
09:27 am
What have I been up to lately?
Working out - I am up to 50 minutes on the treadmill, which means time to get back on the scary elliptical machine again. It can kick my butt after 5 minutes, so there's a ways to go there for certain.
Household - lots of laundry, which I swear is never done. I can't imagine how anyone with an actual family copes. Still going thru stuff and sorting/trashing/filing. I flip between "I have too much stuff!!" and "ooh, that might be useful for [x]" with the frosting of sentiment on top. Having a visual memory means in part that whatever I pick up brings back its own complement of memories and associations, from a ticket stub to a sticky note to whatever. I did get the bed-frame put together with faintheart's help, so my mattress is off the floor.
Writing - I have been spending a lot of time writing, which is good. Longhand, but that's the way it works for me.
Hmm, the only problem with these updates is I always feel like I'm getting more done than I can recall when I sit down to type it out... ah well, there are small things too like writing letters and walking out to mail them, those take time as well. Noodling about online. Reading. Stuff...
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June 30th, 2009
08:45 pm
A reasonably accomplished day today. Got a fair bit of work done on my bedroom - all the walls have art now, not just one (and I replaced the painting that went to Mom's in the living room with one of surlyben's pieces). Mailed some letters, visited the Crossroads mall Farmer's Market, stopped to play with the cats waiting for adoption at PetCo. Took care of some online stuff. Tired now...
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June 25th, 2009
04:36 pm
Actually a little teary about Michael Jackson passing on. Strange as he may have been in his personal life, he had charisma and musical talent of an unusual and haunting kind. faintheart and I were discussing the song Somebody's Watching Me by Rockwell, aka Kennedy Gordy. Jackson sings backing vocals, and it's his addition that makes the song a hit. The only other piece by Rockwell that came close to doing well peaked at #35 on the Billboard 100 (Somebody's Watching Me made #2 in the US and #6 in the UK). The rest of the work wasn't bad, simply unmemorable, and pretty much faded away.
There was a timbre to Jackson's voice, though, that allowed him to inject that perfect siren edge of paranoia into the song, to add the hook that kept it playing in your head. I can't say I was a fan, but I willingly confess my respect for his talent and skill as a performer and musician. Whether he's simply done with life or has moved on, I wish him peace.
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June 22nd, 2009
02:29 pm
you and your proprietary friends
have already stolen
what little could be called a life
out of this list of days
how would I even notice
if you took my words?
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June 21st, 2009
02:02 pm
The forbearance came thru, my next student loan payment isn't due until next May now. Which takes a little pressure off, since part of the problem was being caused by the automatic payments going thru at weird times and bouncing while I was off in treatment, which then caused fees to accrue and more problems to occur. Granted I don't plan on being cut off from access to my bank account for a month again anytime soon, but who does?
My arm is better, although I may still call the clinic tomorrow to let them know I had a reaction to the vaccine. I've got most of my range of movement back, much reduced stiffness/pain but there is now an itchy red welt at the injection site.
The suckiest thing has been not being able to work out for the last few days. (Like that is a sentence I ever thought I would find myself writing!) I don't know if it is routine or endorphins or what, but I do find myself missing going over to the little gym and doing my 45 minutes on the treadmill. Which I wasn't going to do when walking down to get the mail made me feel like puking. I'm finally feeling less easily nauseated today.
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June 20th, 2009
12:03 pm - various
I had to laugh at the commercial for Group Health where the doctor makes some claim about secure online health records obviating some plot development he was consulting on. I was just in for my physical - in the Swedish system, which I trust a good deal more than GH, and they've managed to do fairly well in their computerization of my health records, but. Meaning that out of the fifteen years of records they had to scan in for my files I only noticed five or six major omissions...
Speaking of which, I had my tetanus booster shot, and I guess I just need to plan for reacting to immunizations when I get them. The fever has broken, but my arm is still stiff, though not as bad as it was yesterday. Nausea last night snuck up on me when I tried to leave the house, and I was pretty much useless for the whole day. I remember my arm being sore in 1998 when I had my last booster, but nothing as severe as this. I got a clean bill of health - barring something funky coming back in the bloodwork, which is a possibility of course.
I have requested a forbearance on my student loans, that will help the financial crunch a little.
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June 8th, 2009
10:43 am
Yesterday, faintheart and I are at Costco, and we pass one of the people giving out samples. He's probably in his 20s, quite tall, sort of Asian-looking to me - which I only mention because as I pick up the sample of almonds he's just offered me, he asks "Are you Irish?" I kind of look at him questioningly as I answer "No," so he continues "Where are you from?" "Here," I say, which from his look doesn't satisfy his curiosity, so I add "Bremerton, Seattle." He shakes his head a bit, but the lull in traffic is over and more sample-seekers have arrived, so he sends us on with a "Never mind," and we are left to puzzle over what all that was about.
faintheart thinks he asked "Are you Amish?" which to me is an even stranger question, because although granted, I wasn't wearing any zippers - or even buttons - at the time, and my companion was sporting his trademark suspenders and hat, he's got the wrong kind of hat, and the wrong kind of beard. My hair right now is quite short and was entirely un-hatted, and while fairly covering, yes, there is no way you could mistake the hibiscus-pattern tunic I was wearing over a longsleeve tshirt and leggings for the modest long dresses in solid colors Amish women wear... I believe both patterns and any garments that show the leg, covered or not, are eschewed.
On the other hand, while Ted's beard is redish, and we both are fair-skinned, I don't think either of us look particularly Irish. We have some Irish heritage, but as much Welsh and English and a bit more Scottish plus some German/Scandinavian/Prussian - it's really just easier to say Northern European mongrel because it's all from back when the borders were different and the countries were different and most of the records were about other people's families anyway, etc. and so forth.
So the upshot was that neither of us could come up with a good reason for either variation, and we were left (and left) in puzzlement.
More social primate wierdness for your amusement, and mine...
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May 29th, 2009
04:25 pm - random
Met my new therapist, had a good day for the most part but am still tired and even a little depressed. Wonder if the mail is here yet; wonder if there is anything in it besides bills?
We got a flyer that tomorrow is some sort of eastside recycling day, so we are going to take advantage of that and clear out a few things that have been piling up; that will undoubtedly help my mood.
I may need to find a truck (or at least a driver) and make a road trip to LA to pick up some belongings. (That's Los Angeles, CA not Louisiana.)
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May 23rd, 2009
05:42 am
Yesterday was one of those days that leave me feeling deeply ambivalent. I got lots accomplished, but don't have much to show for it, yet. My emotions don't necessarially seem congruent with the situation, which adds to my frustration and discomfort - even success seemed to chafe, somehow. Today is another day, thankfully.
I talked to all sorts of people on the phone, for example - and hell, maybe that's part of it, since I'm rarely comfortable doing that even when it goes well - and I've now got all my post-treatment therapy and medical appointments lined up. I called a friend from Michael's House I've been trying to get in touch with and finally connected, with mixed results; I called someone from my phone list and left a message on their machine.
One of the more disturbing calls was with my mother, who wants to undertake an expedition via transit that I think is pretty clearly physically beyond her, and I wasn't able to convey my concerns successfully. That one is a train-wreck that I'm really uncertain about how it's going to proceed, yuck.
I also had a disheartening book-selling experience, where I took a bunch of first edition hardcovers in and didn't get much in the way of recompense, but needed what they could give me enough that I couldn't refuse the deal. So my babies went on the chopping block unappreciated and for cheap... AND I still had to borrow money to get the prescription filled that I needed.
On the plus side I got a letter written and mailed, read Jim Butcher's latest Dresden novel Turn Coat and enjoyed it a great deal even though I did peg the criminal mastermind from the moment they walked onstage, went to a good step-study meeting and came home with a new friend and a copy of the sixth edition of the NA Basic Text which someone else paid for on my behalf.
Today looks to be some domestic errands, and maybe a late showing of the Star Trek movie or something from SIFF. Now I go make coffee, which will brighten my mood for certain.
Current Location: unemerged
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/uncomfortable.gif) uncomfortable
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May 22nd, 2009
07:12 am - for grouchychris
For the quote of the day, today iGoogle served me:
Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true.
- Bertrand Russell
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May 21st, 2009
09:11 am
Preparing to climb on the bus and head southish to an NA meeting in Factoria. I have some errands to run on the way, and it looks pretty nice out.
The really nice thing about treatment is never having to worry about transportation, bus fare, and such.
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May 18th, 2009
08:52 pm - a cat-shaped hole in my heart
I returned from treatment to find Xiombarg's vision had deteriorated badly, along with her hearing. Sadly, she was not coping with the changes well, and it was heart-wrenching to watch her confusion and consternation at her inability to navigate, or rather at the world's refusal to stay where it belonged.
Today she jumped off the left side of my mattress instead of the right and got horribly lost. I moved her food into the room by the bed and we spent the day hanging out and napping; she was happy and calm as long as I was touching her. I took her in for a quality of life assessment in the late afternoon, and as a result decided to euthanize her...
Maybe I'm evil, but watching her run into things today, and seeing how miserable she was, and listening to her cry just about broke my heart; letting her go hurts like hell but at least I know she's not in mental or physical pain.
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April 15th, 2009
10:29 am
Belated happy birthday to sharkins, early happy birthdays to beetimevine and surlyben... and apologies to anyone I have forgotten.
Current Location: Peets in Fremont
Current Music: coffee shop chatter
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April 9th, 2009
04:14 pm
Wow, Norwescon snuck up on me... even though I knew all about it, and get/got regular updates from Shawn! May try to show up this evening, but if I do it will be late.
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April 6th, 2009
12:11 pm - WTF
Taking with a older friend of my mother's about the place she's moving into - "is it run by foreigners?" she asks me, as a diagnostic. "Um," I say hesitatingly, "I don't know what you mean by foreigner, I don't think so". "So the woman who runs it is Caucasian?" she persists. I start to repeat that I don't know, then she adds "her eyes don't slant do they?" at which point I just say "Her name is --, I think she may be Romanian..." and blessedly the conversation moves on.
Never mind the fact that someone from Romania is likely from closer to the Caucasus (and actually being Caucasian) than my conversation partner. I'm still boggling at the casual prejudice.
I always hope my little acts of guerrilla language usage - I knew what she meant by 'foreigner', I just wanted HER to think about what she meant by 'foreigner' - aren't as useless and pedantic as they seem.
Damn tribal social primates.
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